escalation and de-escalation

Last Thursday, we discussed about the intensity of behaviour: the escalation and de-escalation process, in our Behaviour Management class. Imagine yourself as a teacher in this situation.

Butterfly, an 8 year old girl, is a victim of family abuse. One night, she’s doing her homework when suddenly her sister entered the room and tore her book. Her sister accused Butterfly of reading her diary, when in fact it was the mother. Before she goes to school, her father beat her up with a belt because she spilled some milk on his office work documents. Her mother punished her by not allowing her to finish her breakfast. On her way to school, she wants to talk to her elder sister that she’s hungry but her sister asked her to shut up before she could even talk. At school, she’s being bullied by her friend because she wore crumpled school uniform. Then you, as her teacher, punished her for not handing in her homework. What do you think Butterfly would feel at that moment? Hurt? Angry? Rebellious? Depressed?

Any wrong doing in managing children behaviour at this moment could lead to disastrous consequences. She may grow up to be an isolated, anti-social or rebellious person because everybody is ignoring her feelings. Children in school rebel and show behavioural problems because of so many reasons, bullying, abuse, quarrel with siblings, fight over boys or girls, popularity in schools and others…our family and friends too sometimes show unusual or moodyl behaviour, probably because they’ve been scold by their boss, problem with wife/husband, debt, corrupted computer, flat tyre and others…

As a counsellor, teacher, family and friends, we have to learn the strategies on how to assist them to de-escalate the unease, anger, sorrows, depressed and other feelings that they sometimes can’t even understand.

Some of the de-escalation strategies, that we discussed in class and I found in books are (1) let the student calm down for 5-10 minutes, (2) let them express their feelings and genuinely listen to them, (3) acknowledge their feelings (4) ask them to write or draw about their feeling, (5) ask them to go somewhere quite, (6) let them to listen to instrumental music and many more.

Hope you’ll be able to use some of these skills…

Loss and healing process

Last monday, in our C & HS class, we discuss about attachment and loss. I agree when my lecturer said, losing someone you love is really hard… it’s going to be unbearable… it takes time to heal. I’ve lost both my aunt (father’s youngest sister) and uncle (mother’s youngest brother). They both died at an early age. My late aunt was in her twenties… and my late uncle in his late thirties… What I really feel sad about is he never had a chance to meet his only son. His wife was three months pregnant when he passed away… I could remember at that time, me and my mum’s cousin just cried all the way back home when we found out about his death. When I reached home, I saw my first cousin stood in front of my grandparent house. I ran to her, we just hugged each other and cried. No words were spoken. When his son was born, I didn't want to cry because I didn't want my aunt to feel sad, but I just couldn’t help myself… when I saw the baby, all I could think about was my uncle’s face… oh… how I cried…. imagine how my aunt must feel...

Have you ever experienced of comforting someone who lost their loved ones? I know...sometimes we just couldn’t find the right words to say. A very good friend of mine lost her father in her teen years and then lost her husband when she was in her twenties… my heart goes out for her…. When that happened, I just hold her hand and hugged her… I’ve lost for words… I knew no words could comfort her at that time… I just wanted to be there for her and shared her sorrows. And my other good friend lost her babies, triplets… it was so sad… I couldn’t even look at her without tears in my eyes… she really has full of courage and determination, I’d say…

But in every sorrow, somehow somewhere, there is happiness that lies beneath….. all those that I'd mentioned are now happily married with their children… I feel really pleased and happy for all of them. I guess the healing process would be easier... no... not easier... but maybe... bearable when someone had all the support and love from those people around them, parents, siblings, families and friends. Imagine those children or people who are being neglected from all the support and love.

Lydia Maria Child said, "The cure for all ills and wrongs, the cares, the sorrows and the crimes of humanity, all lie in the one word 'love' ".

Functionality of behaviour

Last Thursday, during my Behaviour Management class, my lecturer talked about functionality of behaviour. In simple explanation, it is like this. Human behaviour, especially children (in our learning context), is driven by specific goals. So, teachers need to understand what the specific goals are behind children behaviour because only by understanding it that teachers could manage behaviour effectively in their classrooms. Generally, there are four mistaken goals that children seek for, i.e attention, power/control, revenge and nurture.

I tried to relate this to my own experience as a child. Have I ever seeks for attention? Well, maybe… During my History lesson years ago, whenever the teacher asked me to read a passage, I’d asked for 20 cents before I read them. The teacher then get irritated and asked my other friends to read them. I guess as a teacher, he should find a way to make me to read the passage so I learned something, instead of just ignoring me. For attention seeking, the possible strategies teachers could use are ask for help or contributions, personal and specific praise, teach or reward appropriate behaviour and others .

Other behaviour problems I can think of?.. Well...The boys in my secondary 4 class always escaped from class especially during chemistry, biology, physics and history. Later, after we finished our secondary schools and when everybody have a career of their own, we organised a reunion party. I had a chat with one of the boy. He told me the reason for them leaving the class was because they felt uneasy, it’s not because they’re doing it on purpose and lazy. They’re not used to having girls in their class because it’s always been boys since their preparatory class up to secondary 3. And he said what worse was, they sat infront of the class with the girls sat behind them and they felt like their every move are being observed and judged. They really felt awkward. Maybe if the teachers had been aware of this problem, they could do something to help the boys. In this scenario, I could say that the boys are seeking for power or control. So, the strategies that teachers could use are acknowledged their strength, give responsibilities, give leadership opportunities, teach self control and etc.

So, whether you’re a teacher or parent or friends, you could only help and manage your students, children and peer’s behaviour problem, if you could understand what the specific goals are behind their action. Maybe, by doing so, you could make some change somehow. As Hellen Keller said, "No pessimist ever discovered the secret of the stars, or sailed to an uncharted land, or opened a new doorway for the human spirit."